Realization

Have you ever been somewhere and suddenly realized that not only are you not the person you would like to be, but you are also not the person you have the potential to be and God is most likely disappointed in your lackadaisical attitude?

have you ever felt like an empty shell of yourself, as though all that you knew and trusted had been ripped from inside you and dumped unceremoniously on to the ground where it was then stomped on until it no longer existed as a recognizable being, but only as an ooze that could in no way live up to or even represent the strength you thought you possessed?

changing me

I have come to the sad realization that working at the Olive Garden has changed my opinion on a few things:
1. The more I serve people who profess to be a part of my religion the less I want to be a part of it.
2. My desire to have children has a direct negative correlation with the amount of time I work at the Olive Garden.
3. There is a similar correlation with my desire to ever be pregnant and the number of pregnant ladies I work with/serve/come into contact with/see.

? ? ?

I hate the emotional roller coaster that is my life. I should know from past experience that anytime I am creeping steadily higher and my happiness rate soars that I am, in fact, moments away from careening down some ninety degree incline leaving not only my stomach, but also my heart behind. I understand that to appreciate good/bad, bitter/sweet, elation/depression you must experience and understand both sides or you would not be able to recognize either in your life. But, is it really necessary for me to swing from one extreme to the other, couldn't there be a slightly more balanced way of having both in my life? Please?

incandescently happy.

It's a good feeling =)

dangerzone.

I really just want to kiss someone right now. This is a state of mind that could get me into a lot of trouble . . . bring it on.

my pensieve

Sometimes I wish for a pensieve so that I could take all the thoughts and memories that are troubling me and with the touch of a wand remove them from my head and release them into the swirling silver pool in the stone bowl where they would remain until I wanted to remember them, or where they could be completely forgotten, never pulled back into my conscious thoughts to cause hurt or stress. There are times when I can't sleep that I think I would give almost anything for a pensieve. The closest I can come currently, however, is this blog. This is where I try to sort out the confused mass that will not allow me rest and try to make some sense and order inside myself. Although it does not completely remove the offending thing from me it eases it. The act of writing it out fades the vivid picture inside me so that on the outside I can show a muted version of all that has happened in my life. The end result hopefully being a fairly blended and peaceful piece instead of a harsh dramatic one. I know that some of the thoughts or feelings that are recorded here don't make sense and seem very abrupt, but writing is not my medium and it really is more about removing the color from within and placing it somewhere it can swirl around, in this case my "pensieve," to lend color there and let me rest.

so this is growing up

Today I had to do one of the most difficult things I have ever done. There is a man I know who is smart, funny (hilarious in fact), kind, attractive, and amazing kisser; that all said it is fairly obvious that I am extremely twitterpated with him. A few days ago I heard a rumor that another girl who is one of my favorite people in all of Utah has a crush on him. From personal observation I thought he might have mutual interest in her, but that is of course strictly speculation. Well I found out tonight that she does in fact like him so I encouraged her to do something that I think will get them one step closer to dating. I really feel that they would be a better fit for one another than he and I would; and I would far rather that people I care about be incandescently happy with someone else than merely content with me.

It still kind of sucks though.

way to fight "the man"

I just went to Disneyland, which is one of my favorite places on earth, and I noticed something about the people who go there. They come from all walks of life; they are various ages, races, and socioeconomic statuses (?I don't know if that is right?). The best part about any of them, or rather my favorite variety of Disneyland patrons, are the punked out teenagers who think that the way they dress and express themselves is incredibly radical, outside the norm, and a form of protest against all that is capitalistic America. Yet these same kids have season passes to Disneyland . . . I could be wrong, but I think that somewhere along the line they missed a basic principle or two. Not that it bothers me, I derive all kinds of joy from seeing how they act on Pirates of the Caribbean and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Yeah, they're little anarchists let me tell ya.

explain something to me

Why is it that the one boy you don't want to call is the one who does? And on the other hand, besides different fingers, there is the one boy you want to call/text/acknowledge in any way shape or from that you exist who doesn't do any of the above? Who made that rule, because I want to shoot them.

screw the world.

I feel as though that is fairly self explanatory.

update, monday afternoon.

Yup, still wasting time. I also went running . . . twice. simply. could. not. take. it. anymore.

Tomorrow I am going to have to sight see or something, seriously what do people do when they don't have a job?

limbo . . .

So, despite what one might think its an odd place to be. I have no school, currently no job, and here I sit at 10:53 on a Monday morning wasting time on the internet. I don't know if I'll have a job soon, even though I was told before Christmas that I definitely had this job as of now, here I sit. If I can't start working in the next week I will probably end up back in Utah, which is fine, I have friends there. I should be really worried, but I have plan A, where I get to work quick, and plan B, Utah (plan B involves another cross-country trip, but one where I take my time and see a few things on the way, not gonna lie kinda excited about that). The result of that long and mildly confusing sentence is that because I have those plans I'm not scared or worried. I know it will work out the way it is supposed to and that God is directing me, he cares no matter what the rest of you think. But while I wait to see where the wind will take me . . . here I sit.