exactly one year ago today.

That was the last time I saw James. I miss him.

so much.

silence, ahhhh.

My fifth period is my rowdiest class. They are incapable of shutting up. Some days I handle it very well, other days they push me over the edge. Today after telling them 6 times what page to open their book to I changed my lesson plan on the fly. Instead of the super easy mapping activity with colored pencils they will now read and answer questions, while on silence! Okay, first I asked them to raise their hands if they were over 16 ALL of them did, then I asked why people who were basically adults could not follow a very simple direction. one of the students told me it was because they were immature, had selective hearing, and didn't want to. I asked how well they thought that was going to work out for them today, they said not well seeing as they could tell I was pissed.

They were right. But, the silence is SO golden.

huh.

Okay, so the plan to not tell him lasted until I saw him tonight . . .

Think I'm weak, I don't care! It was necessary to explain a few things. Plan schmam, humph.

"there is wishful thinking in hell as on earth."

And, let's face it, sometimes what we are going through on earth is hell, but still the wishful thinking remains. I have chosen in my 24 years to make my dating life as awkward/difficult as possible. The latest in the line having a missionary on a two-year mission where our only communication is through letters while dating another guy (both knew about each other). That has been going on for 10 months, but it stopped when the guy here ended our relationship Thursday evening.

We had gone to an office party (his) where I had to meet a bunch of people, for me meeting new people is stressful and I'd rather just stick in my little box and say screw the world, its even worse when you are meeting people that you feel its important to make a good impression on. After the party we came back to my house and watched a TV show on DVD, cuddled, etc., and then suddenly he says, "Has anything changed with - - - - -?"

"Do you mean am I still in love with him?"

"yes"

"yes"

It was all down hill from there ending with me wanting to know if things were the same with the missionary before I could really pick one or the other and him not interested in hanging around another year to find out. I understand where he's coming from, but I also hate where he's coming from because I'm in love with him as well, but it doesn't change that I want to see the other guy. I never really believed you could be in love with two men at once and I think that is why it took me so long to realize the extent of my feelings for the second guy. Here's the tricky part, he doesn't know that I love him because I never had the chance to tell him and it does nothing to help either of us out, it just adds another sick twist to my soap opera and I'm interested in moving into a classier category.

I want him back. I feel empty like I did when the missionary left. I'm tired of having a sucky love life. The only real solution I've come up with is me getting to keep them both. I know you're thinking that sounds mildly selfish and a lot illegal, but my theory is that first I start a new religion in which I can have two husbands (men did this forever, or in several different time periods, so I feel like I should get a shot) and then we could just live quietly and not be creepy or brainwash little kids like the polygamists. I'm postivive that if those people can fly under the radar I can too. Sure I have to figure out how this factors into my true faith, but this plan is my wishful thinking on earth, the earth that very recently became hell.