update . . .

I hate life.

feelings, nothing more than

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you are not sure was it is that you want? I feel like that now. I have a great guy who cares a lot about me and when I don't talk to him on a daily basis I miss it, but I don't feel like I should be with him. I don't know if I am trying to hold out for something I deem better or if I just am to blind or stubborn to see that we fit. But if we do indeed "fit" why do I feel that something is wrong or missing. I did date this man for a month or so this summer and I discovered that he has the ability to hurt me faster than anyone else I know right now, for example once he teased me about a kiss I gave him, I told him to teach me what he would like better but he wouldn't. Now I have never had any complaints in the past so I was surprised, but tried to work out a solution which he didn't want. There were some other personal views that didn't really line up and it came down to feeling like he was trying to change me into what he felt was a person worthy to date him. Well if he had problems with who I was why did he start dating me in the first place? Then I pray about the relationship and feel that we should be friends and I move away, which was always part of the plan. Now I am out in Virginia and realizing that I miss it when I don't talk to him, but I had decided that I did not want to rethink anything until I was back in Utah, but he can't handle that so he asks if I am really not interested anymore, well the first time I didn't know because I really had not thought on it at all, so that is what I told him. The second time I had pondered and realized that right now while I value him as one of my best and favorite friends I don't miss him the way he misses me. Of course he wanted to know why I didn't just say that the first time, but I didn't know it the first time so how could I have possibly let him know it? He had to force the issue, maybe in three months had I analyzed it things would have been different, but he couldn't wait. Now I have to wait and see if I still have a friend or if I lost that too. He told me once I get over things, and people quickly, I am not sure if that was meant to hurt me, but it did. And I don't agree with him.