I haven't been on here in . . . a really long time. I guess that is because I have a tendency to only write when I am extremely happy, or extremely sad; currently I am lost, confused, and trying to come out of it all standing on both feet.
In a shocking turn of events for my life I fell in love. AND, more importantly it was with someone who loves me back with equal (until the past few months his feelings were actually stronger than mine) intensity. He makes me feel complete. I want to be a better person because of him, I want to be worthy of him, or what I think he deserves. What blows my mind is that he truly believes that I am some sort of amazing person who he is "so lucky" to have. go figure, a boy who actually loves you more than himself and wants to be sweet and giving in a relationship. (That last sentence should give you an idea of the type of male I usually am attached to.) So the happy news here is that he loves me and wants to be with me (and I with him), but the tricky part is that he received medical clearence to serve a two-year mission for our church.
First, I want to point out that it is SO important for boys to serve a mission, the lessons they learn in those two years lay an important foundation for the rest of their lives and there really is no other way to learn them. The knowledge of scriptures, learning to serve others, study habits, conflict resolution, learning to deal with people who desire nothing more than to be a mill stone around your neck; it all makes you stronger, more patient, more understanding. Besides the fact that all young men who are able are encouraged to serve missions by a living prophet of God, the man is a little important and seems to have some good things to say, almost like he was inspired or something.
Here's what sucks for me, I have already done this before. I played the missionary bingo and lost hardcore, it really is FAR better that way, had I married idiot #1 we both would have been miserable, but you would think that I would have the luck to never go through that again. Its like being struck by freaking lightening twice! Seriously, that has to have about the same odds of happening to a girl. So now here I sit, a little over two months into this two-year thing, and I worry. I worry that he will think I'm not spiritual enough, not good enough. I worry that it won't work out, honestly right now in my mind there is nothing worse, nothing, than me not being able to be with him for the rest of eternity. But what if that is not what God has planned for me? I have had strong feelings that everything will work out so that we can be together, but I am afraid to pray about something that seems so far distant to me. There is so much that can happen to affect both of our lives in the next two years.
I have been spending our time apart thus far trying to improve myself so that I can be ready when he gets back. Mostly that means trying to learn and strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. There are some days where I think I am getting somewhere and some days where I am simply lost. I kind of figure that is how all growth and learning goes though. If I'm wrong, please don't tell me yet, let me live in my delusions for the time being that is how I'm getting by. I have also realized as I try to learn more about the gospel how stinking little I know about the gospel. And trying to be a good person is hard, no one else cares that you are trying to improve, most of the world will do nothing to help you, but everything to hinder you. That is why it is important to find friends who lift you up. James was one of those for me when he was here, and now that he is gone memories of what we shared and hopes for our future help to encourage me a lot.
I guess really, I should be happy for the difference he made in my life no matter what the eventual cost. A heartbreak over someone who means as much to me as he does might just break me. I have never felt a love for anyone the way I do about him. Having so much invested is what makes it absolutely petrifying, but what can make it so amazing . . . providing I can last and not have my head explode over worrying.
I have to let it be because I can not control it. Telling myself that over and over does not seem to help. Maybe if I just keep saying it I'll be able to do it. i have to let this be, worrying will not change how it is going and may in fact screw it all up. let it be. sleep.
