good lord, I work at a junior high.

EXPLICIT LANGUAGE WILL FOLLOW

For those who do not know me well I do curse, I try to control it to a point, but when I am pissed it flows forth.

In reality I'm not sure how long I can keep teaching, I don't wake up feeling excited to go to work, mostly I wake up resigned. I don't know if this is because I work at a concept school with at risk youth, or if I would feel the same in a main stream school with an honors class or two. I don't know, wish I did. I loved teaching in D.C., but maybe I just loved D.C. so much it didn't matter what else was happening. Most days I like teaching okay, but there are days when I never want to come back again. Today, is almost one of those days.

Basically I'm annoyed and disgusted by the drama that happens in my school. It feels like I have been transported back to sixth grade because after that kids usually start to mature and use common sense, not at this school. Right now we have about 65 students ranging between 14 and 19 years old, emotionally most of them are coming up on 12. Here's today's particular drama. Sam and Jen broke up and now Jen is with Sammie (note the similar yet different names, while they are changed it is reflective of the real names), who is a poser/compulsive liar/whiner/worthless sack of shit. Who wouldn't want to be with a boy like that?!?! In fairness Sam isn't exactly a real winner either, but he is a much nicer person than Sammie, and less of a pain in the ass in class (HUGE factor in teachers' favorites poll). Sam seems to really be at least somewhat involved in a gang, Sammie couldn't bang if his life depended on it he'd get the shit beat out of him on an hourly basis; but doing and pretending so one can look cool are two very different things. Sammie has people convinced that he is, in fact, involved in a gang that is a rival of Sam's gang.

So while the boys battle a little bit about Jen they stick more to gang stuff. Except, Sam seems to actually be trying to stay out of trouble while Sammie just wants to look big. Sammie and company were yelling things during 5th period that mean ______ killer and Sam, who was in my class ignored it for the first little bit before getting pissed and saying that he wasn't yelling _____ killer at them so what the . . . (at that point I lost interest and he started cursing [not allowed in my class] so I don't feel like typing it out). So I closed the door and the teacher from next door took Sammie to visit the vice principal. Next thing I know Junior, who always wants to be involved so he can look cool, comes back from getting a drink to relay two messages, "Sam, Jen says if you don't shut your mouth you're going to be in even deeper shit than you are already." and "Jose says he's waiting for you." Splendid. So I have to leave my class to regulate in the hallway where Jen is sitting outside the class she is in doing nothing with the door closed. Does anyone see a problem with that!?!? What the hell? These kids are NEVER supposed to be unsupervised, thanks lazy-ass teacher. And Jose is talking to her holding a hall pass. So I ask where he is supposed to be and he shows me the hall pass. "That's not what I asked, whose class are you in, Jack's?" He finally admits that is where he is supposed to be so I open the door to Jen's class and inform the teacher that Jen needs to come inside because she is sending threatening messages to students in my class. Jen cursed some, I think she said it was bullshit, I thought, "funny I was thinking the same thing." Then I took Jose back to Jack's and it turns out he only had permission to go to the bathroom (no where near my room or where Jen had been) so his teacher was ticked and told him that if he so much as heard a rumor that Sammie or Jose had even talked to Sam he would make sure they were suspended. Two down.

I then go back to my room and I am so annoyed that it is radiating off of me and one of the kids goes, "you look mad."

"I am pissed! I feel like I work at a freaking middle school with all this drama, it's bullshit! I picked high school so I could come and teach, this day has been pathetic, have you even learned anything today?!?!? *stunned silence*

"Yes" in unison.

"Name one thing." *more silence*

"They had pretty crappy houses in the 1600's." I laughed, but I also hung my head.

the dance

I have no photo to accompany this, but I really wish I did. Each night there is a hilarious little dance that happens at my house. The dance consists of Jamie chasing Demon around trying to pick him up while he darts around like a humming bird trying to avoid her, all the while she is yelling, "I just want to love you!" I usually just stand there and laugh, but last night I had mercy on her and suggested she corner him in a room, low and behold she got him =).

It might seem silly, but little things like that are what make life good. Just like I look forward to the two day drive I take every year in the summer with my grandmother and aunt to the Oregon Coast literally all year, I laugh so much those two days. And, I control the radio. That seems dumb, but I'm the youngest of not only my immediate family, but also my extended one so control over anything with them is a big damn deal.

Anyway, the point is I don't need huge things that make me smile, to make me happy, or to make me realize that I have a good life. What I need are all the little things, like the nightly dance.

helper dog!

Most dogs can just be in the way when you are trying to accomplish things, I'm SO lucky my dog isn't like that. This is from Monday night while Demon helps Dan put together Jamie's dresser. Dan was incredibly grateful for the assistance. =)

little devil update.

This is Demon attacking my mother's 32pd jack russel. 1 and 1/2 pds vs 32pds . . . so even

Can I just say that I LOVE having a dog? He is so much fun, and he's so freaking cute! All last week while I was prepping for the start of school I brought him in to work with me and he charmed everyone, but alas, I couldn't bring him once students came back so for the past two days I've left him with the music teacher at my school's wife. There are three little boys for him to play with and he comes home exhausted from a day of running around. But, when I drop him off he's so sad, he whines and squirms trying to get back to me as I leave. HOW DO MOMS EVER LEAVE THEIR KIDS AT DAYCARE?!?!?! I just want my little dog with me all the time. Don't mock me, I love my dog. And yes, I carry him around in a purse . . . but only like to the movies . . . and restaurants . . . and stores . . . okay maybe everywhere I can.

This is what I call the "fat and fluffy" picture. Its right after his bath, that's when he's fluffiest.

who needs a baby?

So Demon does pretty well at night considering he is six weeks old. He usually wakes up around 10:30 pm and then sleeps until 5:40-6:00 am depending. I am tired from only being woken up twice in the night to take care of a "baby" I can't even imagine how moms do their job.

But, I think part of it has to do with moments like this, where there little guys are sleeping and look sweet and innocent. This picture is from this morning. He does not sleep the whole night in my bed, he just gets to snuggle up after his 6:00 am potty time. Seriously, how adorable it that?

puppy update

I have him, he is mine! And he's so cute it is basically unreal.

why utah, WHY?!?!

I would just like to know why approximately 96% of all public restrooms in Utah DO NOT have toilet seat covers? I know we're about 10 years behind the rest of the country on everything, but it feels like public hygiene should rate a little higher.

Plus I hate spending 2 minutes and 12 seconds creating the seat cover before I can pee. Sometimes I wish I was a boy . . . then I could write my name in the snow (a life-long dream) too.

DEMON

This is a very exciting post because it accomplishes two things. First, Shelly showed me how to upload a photo. Second, this is my puppy, Demon!

Yea!

so really, this is my life?

I haven't been on here in . . . a really long time. I guess that is because I have a tendency to only write when I am extremely happy, or extremely sad; currently I am lost, confused, and trying to come out of it all standing on both feet.

In a shocking turn of events for my life I fell in love. AND, more importantly it was with someone who loves me back with equal (until the past few months his feelings were actually stronger than mine) intensity. He makes me feel complete. I want to be a better person because of him, I want to be worthy of him, or what I think he deserves. What blows my mind is that he truly believes that I am some sort of amazing person who he is "so lucky" to have. go figure, a boy who actually loves you more than himself and wants to be sweet and giving in a relationship. (That last sentence should give you an idea of the type of male I usually am attached to.) So the happy news here is that he loves me and wants to be with me (and I with him), but the tricky part is that he received medical clearence to serve a two-year mission for our church.

First, I want to point out that it is SO important for boys to serve a mission, the lessons they learn in those two years lay an important foundation for the rest of their lives and there really is no other way to learn them. The knowledge of scriptures, learning to serve others, study habits, conflict resolution, learning to deal with people who desire nothing more than to be a mill stone around your neck; it all makes you stronger, more patient, more understanding. Besides the fact that all young men who are able are encouraged to serve missions by a living prophet of God, the man is a little important and seems to have some good things to say, almost like he was inspired or something.

Here's what sucks for me, I have already done this before. I played the missionary bingo and lost hardcore, it really is FAR better that way, had I married idiot #1 we both would have been miserable, but you would think that I would have the luck to never go through that again. Its like being struck by freaking lightening twice! Seriously, that has to have about the same odds of happening to a girl. So now here I sit, a little over two months into this two-year thing, and I worry. I worry that he will think I'm not spiritual enough, not good enough. I worry that it won't work out, honestly right now in my mind there is nothing worse, nothing, than me not being able to be with him for the rest of eternity. But what if that is not what God has planned for me? I have had strong feelings that everything will work out so that we can be together, but I am afraid to pray about something that seems so far distant to me. There is so much that can happen to affect both of our lives in the next two years.

I have been spending our time apart thus far trying to improve myself so that I can be ready when he gets back. Mostly that means trying to learn and strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. There are some days where I think I am getting somewhere and some days where I am simply lost. I kind of figure that is how all growth and learning goes though. If I'm wrong, please don't tell me yet, let me live in my delusions for the time being that is how I'm getting by. I have also realized as I try to learn more about the gospel how stinking little I know about the gospel. And trying to be a good person is hard, no one else cares that you are trying to improve, most of the world will do nothing to help you, but everything to hinder you. That is why it is important to find friends who lift you up. James was one of those for me when he was here, and now that he is gone memories of what we shared and hopes for our future help to encourage me a lot.

I guess really, I should be happy for the difference he made in my life no matter what the eventual cost. A heartbreak over someone who means as much to me as he does might just break me. I have never felt a love for anyone the way I do about him. Having so much invested is what makes it absolutely petrifying, but what can make it so amazing . . . providing I can last and not have my head explode over worrying.

I have to let it be because I can not control it. Telling myself that over and over does not seem to help. Maybe if I just keep saying it I'll be able to do it. i have to let this be, worrying will not change how it is going and may in fact screw it all up. let it be. sleep.

Realization

Have you ever been somewhere and suddenly realized that not only are you not the person you would like to be, but you are also not the person you have the potential to be and God is most likely disappointed in your lackadaisical attitude?

have you ever felt like an empty shell of yourself, as though all that you knew and trusted had been ripped from inside you and dumped unceremoniously on to the ground where it was then stomped on until it no longer existed as a recognizable being, but only as an ooze that could in no way live up to or even represent the strength you thought you possessed?

changing me

I have come to the sad realization that working at the Olive Garden has changed my opinion on a few things:
1. The more I serve people who profess to be a part of my religion the less I want to be a part of it.
2. My desire to have children has a direct negative correlation with the amount of time I work at the Olive Garden.
3. There is a similar correlation with my desire to ever be pregnant and the number of pregnant ladies I work with/serve/come into contact with/see.

? ? ?

I hate the emotional roller coaster that is my life. I should know from past experience that anytime I am creeping steadily higher and my happiness rate soars that I am, in fact, moments away from careening down some ninety degree incline leaving not only my stomach, but also my heart behind. I understand that to appreciate good/bad, bitter/sweet, elation/depression you must experience and understand both sides or you would not be able to recognize either in your life. But, is it really necessary for me to swing from one extreme to the other, couldn't there be a slightly more balanced way of having both in my life? Please?

incandescently happy.

It's a good feeling =)

dangerzone.

I really just want to kiss someone right now. This is a state of mind that could get me into a lot of trouble . . . bring it on.

my pensieve

Sometimes I wish for a pensieve so that I could take all the thoughts and memories that are troubling me and with the touch of a wand remove them from my head and release them into the swirling silver pool in the stone bowl where they would remain until I wanted to remember them, or where they could be completely forgotten, never pulled back into my conscious thoughts to cause hurt or stress. There are times when I can't sleep that I think I would give almost anything for a pensieve. The closest I can come currently, however, is this blog. This is where I try to sort out the confused mass that will not allow me rest and try to make some sense and order inside myself. Although it does not completely remove the offending thing from me it eases it. The act of writing it out fades the vivid picture inside me so that on the outside I can show a muted version of all that has happened in my life. The end result hopefully being a fairly blended and peaceful piece instead of a harsh dramatic one. I know that some of the thoughts or feelings that are recorded here don't make sense and seem very abrupt, but writing is not my medium and it really is more about removing the color from within and placing it somewhere it can swirl around, in this case my "pensieve," to lend color there and let me rest.

so this is growing up

Today I had to do one of the most difficult things I have ever done. There is a man I know who is smart, funny (hilarious in fact), kind, attractive, and amazing kisser; that all said it is fairly obvious that I am extremely twitterpated with him. A few days ago I heard a rumor that another girl who is one of my favorite people in all of Utah has a crush on him. From personal observation I thought he might have mutual interest in her, but that is of course strictly speculation. Well I found out tonight that she does in fact like him so I encouraged her to do something that I think will get them one step closer to dating. I really feel that they would be a better fit for one another than he and I would; and I would far rather that people I care about be incandescently happy with someone else than merely content with me.

It still kind of sucks though.

way to fight "the man"

I just went to Disneyland, which is one of my favorite places on earth, and I noticed something about the people who go there. They come from all walks of life; they are various ages, races, and socioeconomic statuses (?I don't know if that is right?). The best part about any of them, or rather my favorite variety of Disneyland patrons, are the punked out teenagers who think that the way they dress and express themselves is incredibly radical, outside the norm, and a form of protest against all that is capitalistic America. Yet these same kids have season passes to Disneyland . . . I could be wrong, but I think that somewhere along the line they missed a basic principle or two. Not that it bothers me, I derive all kinds of joy from seeing how they act on Pirates of the Caribbean and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Yeah, they're little anarchists let me tell ya.

explain something to me

Why is it that the one boy you don't want to call is the one who does? And on the other hand, besides different fingers, there is the one boy you want to call/text/acknowledge in any way shape or from that you exist who doesn't do any of the above? Who made that rule, because I want to shoot them.

screw the world.

I feel as though that is fairly self explanatory.