have you ever felt like an empty shell of yourself, as though all that you knew and trusted had been ripped from inside you and dumped unceremoniously on to the ground where it was then stomped on until it no longer existed as a recognizable being, but only as an ooze that could in no way live up to or even represent the strength you thought you possessed?

changing me

I have come to the sad realization that working at the Olive Garden has changed my opinion on a few things:
1. The more I serve people who profess to be a part of my religion the less I want to be a part of it.
2. My desire to have children has a direct negative correlation with the amount of time I work at the Olive Garden.
3. There is a similar correlation with my desire to ever be pregnant and the number of pregnant ladies I work with/serve/come into contact with/see.

? ? ?

I hate the emotional roller coaster that is my life. I should know from past experience that anytime I am creeping steadily higher and my happiness rate soars that I am, in fact, moments away from careening down some ninety degree incline leaving not only my stomach, but also my heart behind. I understand that to appreciate good/bad, bitter/sweet, elation/depression you must experience and understand both sides or you would not be able to recognize either in your life. But, is it really necessary for me to swing from one extreme to the other, couldn't there be a slightly more balanced way of having both in my life? Please?

incandescently happy.

It's a good feeling =)

dangerzone.

I really just want to kiss someone right now. This is a state of mind that could get me into a lot of trouble . . . bring it on.

my pensieve

Sometimes I wish for a pensieve so that I could take all the thoughts and memories that are troubling me and with the touch of a wand remove them from my head and release them into the swirling silver pool in the stone bowl where they would remain until I wanted to remember them, or where they could be completely forgotten, never pulled back into my conscious thoughts to cause hurt or stress. There are times when I can't sleep that I think I would give almost anything for a pensieve. The closest I can come currently, however, is this blog. This is where I try to sort out the confused mass that will not allow me rest and try to make some sense and order inside myself. Although it does not completely remove the offending thing from me it eases it. The act of writing it out fades the vivid picture inside me so that on the outside I can show a muted version of all that has happened in my life. The end result hopefully being a fairly blended and peaceful piece instead of a harsh dramatic one. I know that some of the thoughts or feelings that are recorded here don't make sense and seem very abrupt, but writing is not my medium and it really is more about removing the color from within and placing it somewhere it can swirl around, in this case my "pensieve," to lend color there and let me rest.

so this is growing up

Today I had to do one of the most difficult things I have ever done. There is a man I know who is smart, funny (hilarious in fact), kind, attractive, and amazing kisser; that all said it is fairly obvious that I am extremely twitterpated with him. A few days ago I heard a rumor that another girl who is one of my favorite people in all of Utah has a crush on him. From personal observation I thought he might have mutual interest in her, but that is of course strictly speculation. Well I found out tonight that she does in fact like him so I encouraged her to do something that I think will get them one step closer to dating. I really feel that they would be a better fit for one another than he and I would; and I would far rather that people I care about be incandescently happy with someone else than merely content with me.

It still kind of sucks though.

way to fight "the man"

I just went to Disneyland, which is one of my favorite places on earth, and I noticed something about the people who go there. They come from all walks of life; they are various ages, races, and socioeconomic statuses (?I don't know if that is right?). The best part about any of them, or rather my favorite variety of Disneyland patrons, are the punked out teenagers who think that the way they dress and express themselves is incredibly radical, outside the norm, and a form of protest against all that is capitalistic America. Yet these same kids have season passes to Disneyland . . . I could be wrong, but I think that somewhere along the line they missed a basic principle or two. Not that it bothers me, I derive all kinds of joy from seeing how they act on Pirates of the Caribbean and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Yeah, they're little anarchists let me tell ya.

explain something to me

Why is it that the one boy you don't want to call is the one who does? And on the other hand, besides different fingers, there is the one boy you want to call/text/acknowledge in any way shape or from that you exist who doesn't do any of the above? Who made that rule, because I want to shoot them.

screw the world.

I feel as though that is fairly self explanatory.

update, monday afternoon.

Yup, still wasting time. I also went running . . . twice. simply. could. not. take. it. anymore.

Tomorrow I am going to have to sight see or something, seriously what do people do when they don't have a job?

limbo . . .

So, despite what one might think its an odd place to be. I have no school, currently no job, and here I sit at 10:53 on a Monday morning wasting time on the internet. I don't know if I'll have a job soon, even though I was told before Christmas that I definitely had this job as of now, here I sit. If I can't start working in the next week I will probably end up back in Utah, which is fine, I have friends there. I should be really worried, but I have plan A, where I get to work quick, and plan B, Utah (plan B involves another cross-country trip, but one where I take my time and see a few things on the way, not gonna lie kinda excited about that). The result of that long and mildly confusing sentence is that because I have those plans I'm not scared or worried. I know it will work out the way it is supposed to and that God is directing me, he cares no matter what the rest of you think. But while I wait to see where the wind will take me . . . here I sit.

life lessons, dating file

Lesson 1. A man dropping $100 to take you to the Messiah does not mean he is interested. At least not in dating seriously and when dating in D.C., cause chances are he has a girl, but they were seeing other people and have now decided to take it to the next level. Sure, why not?
Lesson 2. Timing is everything and you either have or you don't. I don't, DAMN IT. I am the Queen of poor timing and I just needed to be reminded of my title, check we're there.
Lesson 3. I am the next Sherri Dew, just not as rich or spiritual. I will die an old maid and never reach the Celestial Kingdom. Fine; heaven for climate, hell for company anyway.

quick update

So I'm over it. Have you ever noticed that everything is better when its blonde, 6ft 5in, spiritual, smart, funny, and really attractive? Also gainfully employed and driven, um sign me up please!

mine, all mine

I broke it off, I wanted to be just friends, I wanted to date other people and have him move on and be happy. That is what I wanted. So why do I feel physically sick now that I have my way. I got just what I wanted, so why?

to you!

Hi Jon =)

um yes, peerfect.

Have you ever had a moment where you are going through your daily routine and you stop and think, "I can't believe this is my life." I have that happen all the time here, I feel like I'm living in a movie or a dream . . . I like it . . . alot.

nirvana.

My teacher work sample is done and I got an A on my second portfolio for my independent study class. The world has never known a better moment than this =)

Answered Prayer

This is kind of silly, but right now I am working on my teacher work sample and I have gone as far as I can without the post assessment. I was supposed to be able to get that today, but then last night we found out that there was going to be another student count and on Wednesday, the next day I would see the needed class, there is PSAT testing so no academic classes are meeting. I was really upset because the TWS is due in Utah by Tuesday and I need to mail the sucker across the country, I had no idea if it would work for me to get the post assessment on Friday and then finish and mail it in by Tuesday. So last night I prayed like crazy to have a way to get this paper from my students, then when I woke up this morning I did the same thing. Low and behold when the first period bell rang they announced that the count would start immediately instead of at third period. Long story shorter, I got the assessment and can finish!!! haPPy DaY!!! thank you Father.

life is beautiful.

I realized the other day that I only write on here when I am upset as a way to vent my feelings. While this is therapeutic for me it makes me seem like an unhappy wench to anyone who reads this blog. Let me assure that other than the once a month or so that I have to whine about my trials my life is beautiful. For example the other day when I was eating lunch in Georgetown I could not believe that this is the life I have been blest to live. The school where I am teaching is full of amazing students who are all talented and love life. We had P-Diddy come and give an assembly and the best part were the student performances. Who has that happen during their student teaching?!?

Also on a side note I finished the class work for my independent study class so all I have to do is take the final and I am done! Looks like I will graduate in December!!!