Demon Dog

Yesterday was my Demon baby's third birthday, but he wasn't here to see it. I miss him everyday.



Everyday.

curse you, boss.

I have known basically since January that in the fall I was not coming back to the school I have been teaching at for three years. Thank you crappy economy and thank you government for always cutting education spending before things like the prison system (God forbid the inmates who want to do nothing but rape society should have to eat leftovers). But, I was okay after I was placed at another school. Where I work now is hard, like really hard. How many times have you been called a "fucking bitch" at work because you wouldn't let a boy with woman issues walk all over you? How many times has someone you work with under the age of 20 died unexpectedly? How often have you watched a person you work with throw everything they have fought for away because they subconsciously want to sabotage their life? I would leave everyday feeling drained, and after three years of this I am tired. I don't want to do it anymore. And I have made myself feel okay about leaving, unaffected even, by focusing on all of that. The exhaustion, the frustrations, the bad. Then this week, our last week of school, my boss started doing things to honor those who are leaving. We were given gifts at the staff meeting, he said nice things and thanked us. One teacher who might be leaving, but doesn't know for sure, asked if she was a bad person for being sad that she wouldn't get a moment like that. The answer is of course no, she has put in so much time her she's earned one, but I was frustrated by the gifts because it forced me to think about the good I was leaving behind. The staff, my relationships with them, an amazing mentor. Then today I went to the senior lunch where this same boss asked all the graduates to tell us their plans and something they love about Summit. He also made those staff members who are leaving do the same. Yet again I was forced to face reality as I thought about the students I was leaving who made work so much fun. Who I talk about with my friends, family, and husband. Who I have watched grow and change and become amazing in their own rights. Who I got to have fun relationships with. And I cried. No, I wept, in front of all 20 of our graduates because they wouldn't be a part of my life anymore. Because there will never be students like them at a mainstream school. Because everything that I have known about teaching won't do me any good anymore. And I'm scared.

half-assed

I've decided that I am tired of students who do not put effort into things and then turn them in not fully completed, sometimes not even half completed. If they are not going to put effort in, neither am I. As of today I will not grade ANYTHING that is not complete.

boo-ya.

giveaway.

Not mine, its over at Thestepfordchild. Check it out!!!

#9 festival of colors.

The car STILL has colors in it.

another one.

I lost another student. He died of liver failure and complications from diabetes. He was 19.

I have started to wonder what it is like to have student stories like, so and so just got into UCLA or is making a difference in the community. My stories are so and so died, was stabbed, executed (happened last year), is back in jail, or is back on drugs. The good kids here go home and disappear for the most part, but one of the stories listed above was one of our "good kids." I am emotionally empty from working here. Please don't tell people, but I am grateful that they don't have the funding to keep me next year. I want a job, but not this one. I can't take it anymore.

things i'm fond of.

I was lying in bed the other day, right after the alarm had gone off, snuggled up to my husband when I thought, "on the list of things I'm fond of you're pretty high up there." If I was to be truly honest I'd have to say he's at the top of said list. =)

I think the eyes have something to do with it . . .

travis.

I had a student pass away right before Thanksgiving. I found out through a slightly awkward series of events, but in the end it was better because I was able to go to my room and have a breakdown before the staff meeting when everyone was told. Which means I just sobbed silently in the meeting which is not what happened in my classroom. He was my favorite. That's right I said it, teachers have favorites, you've known it your whole life, but I just confirmed it for you. Anyway, this Monday one of his other teachers found an assignment that Travis had done his first day at our school. It was to write 20 "I am" statements in less than 5 minutes. 1-19 we're cute or truthful, 20 made me cry again.

Here are his words:

1. I am Travis *********

2. I am a drug addict

3. I am irresponsible

4. I am skateboarding today

5. I am the youngest child

6. I am 18 years of age

7. I am a genius

8. I am wearing a lot of black

9. I am original

10. I am different

11. I am unorthodox

12. I am getting my G.E.D.

13. I am happy today

14. I am excited about this class

15. I am Gentle

16. I am Kind

17. I am down to earth

18. I am unaffected by teenage drama

19. I am a prophet of some sort

20. I am destined to do great things

He was.

cowboys.

A few months ago I was driving back to Utah from California and in Winnemucca I stopped at Chevron for gas. They were having some serious issues and their pumps weren't working so after wasting about ten minutes there I went across the street to the Flying J to try my luck. I got lucky and found a pump, but to grab it I had to pull in with my tank on the opposite side of the pump. When I hopped out to start filling up I discovered that the hose wouldn't reach. I stood there exhausted, frustrated, and unsure of what to do because trying to turn around meant losing the pump and getting back in line and I just wanted to leave. Then a man came up to me. He was tall and slim, wearing wranglers, boots, and a straw cowboy hat. He said, "won't reach, huh?" "Well, you get in your truck and flip around and I'll stand here and hold your pump."

I melted. With relief, with gratitude, with the knowledge that there are kind people out there still willing to help a lady in distress.

I told him thank you, but I wish I could do more, or that I knew more about him. What I do know is that if I have boys I'm going to raise them to be like this cowboy because the world would be a better place if we all had a little more cowboy in us.

=)

30 days

grrr.

I just shattered the top part off the crystal heart bead I was going to use as an accent on Joy's anklet. freakn' a. =(

REE!!

Lesli and I are going to Salt Lake Nov 4 to buy some cookbooks and meet a lady whose life I kinda want. I'm so excited!!

Read her amazing blog here

hmm

Isn't it funny how certain songs will always transport you back to a time long past in your life and you will able to smell what you did then and feel what you did then and sometimes when you do this you will miss that moment so much that it is painful?

Benton Paul = student teaching in DC and being so happy that I never wanted it to end.

Don't Go

ick.

You know what I don't like? Lemon cake, lemon bars, lemon cookies. Why? No idea, I just DON'T.

You what I do like though? Lemon drops, Dumbledore and I are on the same page there.

Ya, I'm weird, get over it.

block.

I blocked someone for the first time ever this week, felt nice =)

Mostly cause the person is a creep.

i'm so proud of me!

I cooked today! I made baked beans from this post and they were

awesome! I love this lady's blog, I feel like I know her, thank you internet for providing us with a whole new type of celebrity.

*sigh*

School has started and I am so tired! Why on earth are weekends so short?

buhahahaha!

Uh, good luck with that =)

i don't want to.

I have to go back to work in less than a week. stupid. =(

chasing seagulls.

Its so frustrating when you know you can catch seagulls if the people will just let you off your leash! My brother's freakishly long legs do an excellent job of keeping up with the wee Demon beastie.